he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
