I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
