Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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