that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
