I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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