My first STD was from a foam party
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
