I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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