What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
