I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize