Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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