sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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