I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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