I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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