We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
