Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
