You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I am naked and annoyed.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
