So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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