My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
