i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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