Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
