she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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