Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize