My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
