new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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