I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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