Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
