And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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