Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
