Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
