Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
