You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize