Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
