My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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