there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
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