He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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