Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
