i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
