K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
