Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Pants 0. Shit 1.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
