my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Let's paint friendship bongs
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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