fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize