i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
