Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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