Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
This toilet bowl is my home.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
