My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
