Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
