i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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