hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
