she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
