dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So squirting runs in the family.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
