According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
