he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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