on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
