wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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