Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
