saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
