the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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