how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
not ubering you a puppy
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize