I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
