Jerry, you need to find god
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
